Sensory Focused Action Story Examples
On this page you will find a collection of personal stories from my time in Iraq, and the military.
I show the process I follow to take these stories from a rough draft into a "Sensory Focused Action Story".
The steps are described in detail in the "Overcoming Combat PTS(D) Series".
Starting in Part 6: Understanding Our Service
SFAS #1
(Past tense writing that came out while I was doing Step Four)
My platoon (5th platoon) had just replaced 3rd platoon on rooftop guard duty. We were on the roof of the Mosul Hotel, one of the highest places in the city. Guard duty consisted of looking around the countryside and city through a set of binoculars with a long tubular lense, similar looking to a telescope someone would use for stargazing except there was room for both eyes and it had nightvision. I was the first person up on duty that day.
We were still unpacking our gear on the roof when I heard an explosion, followed by gunfire. I looked around and saw that 3rd platoon was being ambushed, just as they had left the gated entrance to the hotel. There wasn’t much I could do except use the binocs as best I could to make some sense of the smoke-filled scene and send updates over radio. It was almost useless, there was too much smoke, I couldn’t see anything. After a tense 15 minutes the attack was over. Luckily there were no casualties. Soon my shift ended and I found a corner to go lay down in for a few hours until my next shift.
(Rewritten into First-person view, present tense)
My platoon (5th platoon) has just replaced 3rd platoon on rooftop guard duty. We are on the roof of the Mosul Hotel, one of the highest places in the city. Guard duty consists of looking around the countryside and city through a set of binoculars with a long tubular lense, similar looking to a telescope someone would use for stargazing except there was room for both eyes and it had nightvision. I'm the first person up on duty that day.
We're unpacking our gear on the roof when I hear an explosion, followed by gunfire. I look around and see that 3rd platoon is being ambushed, just as they are leaving the gated entrance to the hotel. There isn’t much I could do except use the binocs as best I can to make some sense of the smoke-filled scene and send updates over radio. It's almost useless, there's too much smoke, I can't see anything. After a tense 15 minutes the attack is over. Luckily there were no casualties. Soon my shift end and I find a corner to go lay down in for a few hours until my next shift.
Here’s that same story, except I’ve put myself back into that memory as if I was there again, with every sensory detail I can recall:
(First-person, re-written after asking the Seven Sensory Orientating Questions)
My platoon has just replaced 3rd platoon on guard duty. We’re on the roof of the Mosul Hotel, one of the highest places in the city. Another 24 hours of looking around the countryside through high-powered binoculars watching for trouble. I’m the first person up on guard duty today.
I’m unpacking gear on the roof and a BOOMF of force pounds into my chest. Something big exploded. Pop-pop-pop pop-pop. Gunfire. I feel my stomach tighten. I look towards the sounds, and see clouds of dark smoke forming at the hotel gate. 3rd platoon. They’re being ambushed—-I need to get down there now. My leg muscles tense as I prepare to run down the six flights of stairs to the gate. But I can’t, I’m on guard duty. My post is here. I force myself to stay put and look through the binocs. I radio in my best estimates of where the enemy is shooting from. My friends are pinned-down. Each pop-pop-pop is tightening my stomach further. Then it’s over. 3rd platoon breaks free and hits the open road. Everyone made it. I’m too worn down to feel happy. My shift is over already? I find a corner to lay down in and let the adrenaline drain out of me as much as possible until my next shift.
SFAS #2
(Past tense writing that came out while I was doing Step Four)
He was just another Iraqi local passing through our checkpoint. I used my limited Arabic to ask him if he had any weapons in his car. He shook his head no. I asked him to open the glove compartment, he seemed confused. That’s when I noticed the barrel of a rifle sticking out from under the passenger seat. I remember thinking, Ahh shit. Then I pointed my rifle at him and called to my squad leader for backup.
(Rewritten into First-person view, present tense)
A car pulls up to me at the checkpoint. Looks like another local Iraqi. I lean my head head down to the passenger side window, point to my M4 and ask, “ayu 'aslihatin?” <any weapons?> . He shakes his head no. I say, “aiftah hujrat alqufaazat”, <open the glove compartment> he seems confused. My eyes scan around waiting for him to respond—wait, what is that? Is that a rifle barrel sticking out from under the passenger seat? Ahh shit. I raise my rifle, point it at him and shout to my squad leader down the road “need some help here!”.
(First-person, re-written after asking the Seven Sensory Orientating Questions)
A car pulls up to me at the checkpoint. The afternoon air is so hot it smells hot. Looks like another local Iraqi. After being out here for six hours the weight of my flak vest presses on my uniform. My undershirt is bunched and damp with sweat. “Almost done” I think to myself. I lean down to the passenger side window, “ayu 'aslihatin?” <any weapons?> . He shakes his head no. He stays staring straight ahead. I say, “aiftah hujrat alqufaazat”, <open the glove compartment> he seems confused— my eyes scan around waiting for him to respond—wait, what is that? Could that be the tip of a rifle barrel sticking out from under the passenger seat? Ahh shit. It is. Tingles crop up my arms. I notice now a slight trembling in his rigid body. He’s afraid of me. The power I have over this man is suddenly clear. My gut screams ‘he’s not a threat, let him go, let him go on to his work or family’…another voice says “What if I’m wrong? What if he shoots someone on my team with that rifle?” I raise my M4 and point it at him—“Need some help here!”